The extraordinary lightness of babiness
Lately when people ask me how it is with twin babies, I find myself saying, "It's so easy!" I caught myself last time and thought, what am I saying? No reasonable person would describe juggling two babies (on top of two other children) as easy.
I looked up "easy":
1
a : causing or involving little difficulty or discomfort
b : requiring or indicating little effort, thought, or reflection
2
a : not severe : lenient
b : not steep or abrupt
c : not difficult to endure or undergo
Okay, so all of definition 1 is out. There is a lot of effort, thought, and reflection. There is much difficulty and discomfort. I realized yesterday that I hadn't left the house for a week. Honestly hadn't gone farther than the front porch. And there have been many other such weeks in the past six months. I left the house much more often when I was on bed rest! (doctor appts three times/week)
But I found my meaning in 2.c: not difficult to endure or undergo. That's what I'm feeling. The pregnancy was so difficult to endure, so much pain, so much emotional and physical discomfort, I kind of assumed that caring for two babies would be the same. But then...
I get to live with these angels! I feel so privileged that I'm the one who gets to care for them, hold them, feed them, love them. Whatever I'm giving up, however my life has changed, doesn't feel that hard. Not to say that it isn't hard sometimes, and challenging, and exhausting. But I guess I was preparing for the worst, so the relative sanity and absolute joy I feel has been surprisingly easy by comparison!
One key for me has been changing my expectations. I've had to be very stern with myself and not expect a lot of productivity, cleanliness, "me" time, sleep, diversions. If I change what I expect from the day, I can find the happiness in it. But another key for me has been this time right now, my writing time. For about three hours a day/4-5 days a week I have someone watch my babies so I can write. This is very rejuvenating for me and makes me excited to return to my kids again. And so I should get back to it. A first draft awaits.