Antsy time

I don't know if I can describe how magical it is to write a book and have other people like it. Just like everyone in the world, when I was young I thought I was unpopular, awkward, and unloved . I had ideas, I had a concept of myself that was beautiful, but I couldn't express it right. I'd say things I thought were funny, and they'd fall flat. I'd put forward ideas I hoped were brilliant only to learn they were staid and boring. I'd point out marvels I thought were exciting only to find that everyone else had already noticed or else weren't interested. Or so it seemed to me at the time. I think most of us grow up believing we don't have anything interesting to say or any thought really worth sharing. And so to write a book alone, to share it, and then find others love it too is such a profound miracle. And the waiting for the unknown response is often deathly frightening.

I'm thinking about this because I'm feeling nervous and flighty and vulnerable, as I always do before a new book comes out. Will anyone like it besides me? Will I reveal humiliating secrets about myself? Will I tell a joke that falls flat or share an idea that everyone has already thought and discarded? Am I saying anything new or in a new way? Do I have something worth sharing? I never know. I was pleased with austenland when I finished it. And I know that my reaction is all I can count on. So I bite my lip and wait.

Please know that when I write blogs like this, I'm not fishing for compliments or consolation (at least, I certainly hope I'm not). My main purpose with this blog is to reveal one author's thoughts, so hopeful writers and young people can see that a published author is a normal person, often insecure, sometimes boring, just like everyone else. To pretend otherwise would feel dishonest to me.