"I knew he loved me when he hocked a logie at my face."
That happened to me. Fifth grade. Gavin. It landed near my nose and I could smell it. I felt humiliated and denigrated, but I didn't report it to the teacher or anyone.
Last week I was with a friend when her 5-year-old daughter reported that a boy her age had been pushing her consistently. Her mother comforted her by telling her that this meant the boy liked her, that when boys like girls they didn't know how to express it so they showed their affection by bullying them. Now, I was told the same thing by my mother, and I've heard that same explanation many times. I don't think I thought twice about it till I saw "He's Just Not That Into You," which starts with a similar scene. The little girl absorbs that information, then we jump forward to adult women who, still confused by all this, allow themselves to be treated horribly by men, believing that that's how men show their affection. How far do we let this go?
In Scotland recently, 11 and 12-year-olds were questioned about when violence is okay, as in when it's okay for a man to hit a woman.
"The children didn't agree with violence, but gave reasons to try to justify it if the woman had done something 'wrong'. They were asked to consider whether or not a man was justified in punching his partner when he found out she had had an affair. Nearly all of the children thought that the woman deserved to be hit. In another scenario, about 80% of the children said a man had cause to slap his partner because she did not have the dinner ready on time. 'The old saying of 'If he pulls your pigtails it means he likes you', translates into violence in adulthood which girls accept as normal.'"
What is wrong with us? Seriously! This is insanity! Heaven help my son if I ever catch him hurting a girl. Of course I can tell him till I'm blue in the face that being stronger than someone else means you have to be more careful with them and respectful and helpful and NEVER gives you license to hurt them. But kids don't learn by being told. They learn by example. How thankful I am that my kids live in a home where their father treats their mother with respect and love, and we can model an equal partnership.
I'm determined not to use the "it means he likes you" excuse on my daughters. This is justifying a boy's bad behavior and requiring a girl to accept it and even be grateful for it. A boy should not have pulled your pigtail, honey, or pushed you down or thrown a rock at your head. End of story. What's-his-face shot Ronald Reagan to show his love for Jodie Foster, but we didn't say, ahh, he has a crush and doesn't know how to express it! Isn't that sweet? No way. Violence is violence. And children bullying children in any way and for any reason is not okay and no girl should have to put up with it.